AUTHOR'S NOTE: These characters are not mine because TPTB would never have allowed this to happen. This story is dedicated to those very few who flamed me for "The Crossing" which was posted late Dec./early Jan. (Revenge is sweet indeed) . A special thanks to all the multitudes who encouraged me to post to JADFE once again (as if I ever planned not to do so!). Comments, constructive criticisms and a certain bald, cockney carouche should be sent to: Alibbyp@aol.com. Flamers shouldn't bother as I'm already in the hot seat. Permission to archive to JADFE's webpage given. All others must contact me first. SCREED'S BIG ADVENTURE by Libby Singleton "The minstrels sing of an English king who lived long years ago, who ruled his nest with an iron fist tho' 'is mind was weak 'n low..." Screed sang one of his favorite tunes at the top of his lungs, letting the sound echo through the tunnel. Wading through calf- high water to hunt was certainly better than looking for rats in the rain. Out there, he'd have to keep an eye out for humans as well as prey. Stopping to listen for any scurrying squeakers, he reached inside his pants, scratching until he felt himself growing hard. "'E was dirty 'n lousy and full of fllleeeeaaaaassss....'is terrible tool 'ung down to 'is kneeeeesss." He relished the solitude of the sewer. No Vachon telling him to quit playing with himself. No Urs asking him to be a gentleman. Here a man could scratch his balls in peace. "Free to be Screed, ay?" he said, chuckling at his own wit. The sound of a rodent heartbeat caught his attention. He rushed around the corner, not noticing the old tire until he was falling face first into the sludgy water. Really didn't matter to Screed, he simply sat back up with rat in hand. He studied the smell of blood from the rat's pulsing veins. "Right juicy one, you are," he said before biting into the belly to feed. True nectar! ************* Nick really enjoyed the precinct's annual employee appreciation party. At first he'd been afraid the fact he wasn't eating or drinking anything might seem strange. As it turned out, Natalie was right - everyone was so drunk not a comment had been made. Now that midnight was approaching, he found himself the designated driver for all. The rain was coming down so hard, the last trip out had taken longer than planned. He'd expected to find Nat pacing anxiously, waiting for her turn. Instead, he'd found her sitting alone at the bar, finishing off a stray bottle. "I thought you'd sworn to never drink champagne again," Nick commented as he sat down in the chair next to her. She leaned over, wrapping his arms around his neck clumsily. "Well, Nick, you were taking a long time and...and...and, I dunno, the bottle was just shitting there lookin' lonely," she slurred. "I don't like to shee anything lookin' lonely." She shook her head as if it were barely connected to her neck. "Yeah, well, I think you drank a little too much of it," Nick said, untangling himself. "Now it's your turn to get tucked into bed. Come on." "Don'tcha wanna schrew me? I've wanted to schrew you for the longest time." "Ah, I'm not sure this is the right place or time for discush...I mean discussion." "Ay, too bad," she whined, slumping against him. "I gotta pee before we go." He got her into the ladies' room and let her handle that problem herself. Getting her to the Caddy was harder although the rain had eased to a mist. Natalie could barely walk, but wouldn't let him carry her. At one point she started to fall, then leaned on Nick to steady herself, grabbing his crotch. "Nat!" he snapped, forcing her hand away as he fought to keep from vamping out. "Ahhhhh," she whined. "Does um have a sensitive wiener?" Nat managed to yanked her hand away from his grip, then unzip his fly. "Uh, oh, feels kinda limp and flimsy. Better let the doctor see!" "Nat!" She was pulling his pants down in the middle of the street. Nick tried to pushed her hands away, not wanting to use vampiric strength for fear of harming her. When that didn't keep her hands at bay, he grabbed the waistband of the trousers and stepped backwards until he found himself pressed against the car. Although he hadn't fed since the previous night, he felt himself growing hard as she tickled and petted his penis. Fangs descending, he moaned involuntarily as she licked it's stiffening length, all worry that someone might see disappearing from his mind. Nat raised her head, looked up and him, then started to slump. He caught her with one arm, his pants with the other. "It's probably a very good thing you aren't going to remember any of this in the morning," he sighed, shaking his head to clear the vampire. Once he opened the Caddy's passenger door, Natalie fell in, beginning a soft snore almost immediately to Nick's relief. All he'd have to do was get her up to her apartment and into bed. An easy enough task. When he stopped for a light a few blocks from the hotel, a familiar figure began banging on the driver's window. "'Ey, Dicky Nicky! Just the ol' matie Ol' Screed's been lookin' for. I'm needin' a bit o' a scrub, an was wanting to borrow your shower. Not one for bathin' meself, but ol' LaCrow won't let me in." A stench of raw sewage nearly knocked Nick back when he rolled down the window. "Go use Vachon's, Screed." "Ain't got no agua, he don't. The V-man's been usin' Baby Jane Tracy's for the past week, only she ain't home and didn't want to break in, I didn't. Wouldn't be proper, her bein' a copper, ay?" Sighing, Nick threw the door open, causing the carouche to leap back. Taking a blanket from the trunk, he spread it over the back seat. "Stay on that blanket and don't touch anything or I'll tell LaCroix who replaced his taped monologue with the evangelist." "Won't touch nothin', mate. Say, ain't that your mortal lady doc friend? Been on one 'ell o' a binge, ain't she?! Betcha be wantin' to take advantage of this sitchy-ation..." "Just shut up." "Sure thing, Dick-tect-a-tive Nick. Won't hear another peep from me mouth, you won't. Be as quiet as a dead rat. Swear on me Auntie Judy's grave, I will." A glance silenced the carouche who pretended to lock his mouth and toss away the key. Nick had just parked his car at Natalie's apartment building when his cell phone rang. Tracy was frantic, a triple homicide. Was there any way he could possibly come in? Before he realized what he was saying, he assured her he'd be right there. "Wha' 'bout me shower? I'm wantin' a bit o' party life to ease the burden o' immortality, know wha' I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink." For Screed to be to shower, the carouche must be suffering from his own smell. Craving rats, it was a safe bet Screed could be trusted around mortals. "Will you swear you won't touch Dr. Lambert?" "She's pretty, ay, but ain't exactly me type. All that learnin' floatin' round in her veins would make me head spin." "Come on. You can borrow her shower if you'll clean it up afterwards," Nick said reluctantly as he lifted her from the car. She moaned pitifully. "In fact, I'm not sure I should leave her alone. Can you stay until I get back? I'll toss your clothes in the wash and you can watch television. Shouldn't be more than an hour or so." "'Er set color?" "And stereo." "Got a deal there, Nickie! Be a baby cakes sitter, ol' Screed will. Just might make it o' career." ********************* "'E luved to hunt the royal stag within the royal wooooood...but better than this 'e luved the bless o' pullin' 'is royal puuuuuuud..." Screed stepped into the shower, letting the water flow down him. The only decent water was found in the sea; the kind meant for sailing on. That sort he loved. This type he hated, never mind he was able to adjust the temperature to feel the illusion of warmth. A minute passed. He reached out to turn the water off. A hand stopped him. "You missed a spot," a very seductive female voice said. "Good hygiene is important even for you guys." Screed barely suppressed a yelp. His discomfort with the shower had distracted him from sensing Natalie's approach. Staring through the shower's water, he saw she had opened the curtain. A right pretty morsel. Leave it to Nickie, though, to put the babe to bed fully clothed. Probably didn't even sneak a peak. "Ain't one for washin'. Just get dirty again, ay? Comes with me huntin' them little squeakers. Sewers and alleys and all that sorta jammy-jam," he said, leaning against the wall, making sure his privates were anything but. Picking up the unused washcloth on the floor, Nat stepped into the shower, not bothering to undress. The water plastered her clothing against her body, accenting every wonderful curve. Her nipples were large and pronounced, reminding Screed of a wet t- shirt contest. Her light colored bush could clearly be seen through the damp cloth of her skirt; she was not wearing panties with her hose. Alcohol still overwhelmed the natural odor of her blood, but he caught a whiff of freshly cut roses as she moved toward him. "Hasn't anyone told you bathing can be fun?" Natalie oozed, rubbing the cloth on a bar of soap resting in the wall dish next to Screed. She raised it against his face. He'd always been one to wash away any possible remnants of feeding. He hadn't lived for nearly 450 years by being careless. Yet even Urs' gentle mothering didn't arouse him like this doctor's touch. Maybe it was something about her eyes. She wanted him. Screed could tell, admitting to himself all the while it had to be the booze. But what did minor point matter? As a carouche, he'd learned to take his women any way he could get them. Screed's dick began to stiffen, his fangs descend. "Oh, my," Natalie said, staring down between his legs, then up at his mouth. "What a BIG one you are!" She rubbed the washrag around his neck, gently circling the vampire's main erogenous zone. "Is this where you got bit when you were brought across, mmmm," she whispered in his ear. "Did you feel good?" she added, reaching down to fondle his privates. "Aaaahhhhh," Screed said. "Uh, uh." He slumped back against the shower stall wall, panting. "Right tail-ented you are, ay?" Screed slowly slid down the wall, roaring. Natalie gently rubbed the cloth in circles, lower and lower on his chest. "You're wiener isn't delicate or limp at all!" she squealed. "Not like Nick's dick." "The de-fect-a-tive is a puny lad, ay?" Screed murmured proudly. "Bigger than Vachon, I am. Urs says Ol' Screed's even half an inch up on LaCroix. Dicky-less Nicky..." Nick! If that blonde headed mortal-wanna-be found out what his chicky was doing with a carouche! Screed pushed Natalie back and scrambled to turn off the water. "Ain't meaning no insult, I ain't," he said earnestly. "Your vampy man's bad enough 'isself when 'e's got a chip on 'is shoulder, but when Nicky's upset, LaCroix is too... Now 'e's someone Ol' Screed avoids like a stake o' wood." "Ahhhhhhh," Natalie said, then yawned widely. "Maybe... maybe I need some knighty knight anyway. Get it, with a 'k'?" Barely able to sign his own name, Screed didn't get it at all but decided it wasn't the time to argue. Grabbing her arm, he pulled Natalie to her feet. "Up and in the sack with ya." When she didn't stand by herself, he slung her over his shoulder and carried her into the bedroom. Half way there, he caught the whiff of an animal. Turning, he saw a cat staring at him suspiciously. The cat hissed. Screed returned the gestured. The cat spit, took a swing at him, than ran in the opposite direction. Screed snorted. "With an at-tee-tude like that, betcha blood ain't worth the trouble o' biting ya, ay? Bitchy kitties ain't me favorite." Screed considered undressing Natalie to keep the sheets dry since even he didn't like sleeping on wet blankets. However, the vision of Nick impaling him on a white picket fence caused him to simply toss her on the bed. Wouldn't exactly be his fault if she caught a cold; it'd be the doctor's for sneaking up on a lad like that. "His only undergarment, was a filthy undershirrrrrrt," Screed sang, following the puddling water back to the bathroom. "...Which always hid his pride and joy, but never hid his dirrrrrrrrt." After wiping himself dry, Screed hung the now brown formerly yellow towel neatly back across the shower rod, just like Nick had shown him. He took another from the stack, scrubbing the scum from the shower floor until it was sparkling clean, especially when compared to the filthy walls. "Right good that is, clean as a baby's bum after 'e's 'ad his nappy changed out," he snorted. That towel he tossed into the corner. Knowing Nick would flip if he wondered around naked, Screed slipped on Natalie's robe. That's when he spied the furry pink bunny slippers. His heals hung over the back, but he couldn't resist. They were so fuzzy and soft, kind of like rats. Now he felt right comfy and right at home. "Now the Queen of Spain was a sprightly jane, and a sprightly jane was sheeeeeeeee, She loved to fool with his majesty's tool so far across the seeeeaaaaaa!" The washer was finished so he transferred the wet clothes to the dryer. He studied the various controls. What was it Nicky had said? Something about the timer already being set so all he hadda do was push a button. With an exaggerated gesture, Screed pointed his middle finger and pushed a button. The dryer started. He grinned, "Domesticated Screed...that's me, ay?!" "...When the King of England saw them, he fainted to the floooor, For in the ride the Frenchman's pride, Had stretched a mile or mmooooorrrreeee!" Bending down, he watched the clothing whirl around behind the clear door. Round and round, his trousers, sweater and undershirt tossed and twisted. Screed sat down, mesmerized by the motion. Minutes later, there was a soft meow beside him, followed by purring. "Trying to edge in on ol' Screed's fun, are ya?" he growled. The cat immediately ran away, screaming. He stood, intending to give chase when he found himself face to tits with a now nude Natalie. "If you want some pussy," she said, "try one..." She stuck her finger inside the robe Screed wore, tracing his chest downwards until she came to the belt. Her hand then drifted to her bush. Screed could tell she was exploring herself. "Wouldn't you rather be doing this yourself, sailor boy?" The woman lifted her fingers, now drenched with her scent, to the carouche's nose. He backed against the dryer, trying to turn his head away. "Ain't nothing personal-like," Screed said, swallowing hard. "It's just...just that your defect-a-tive boy-type friend ain't gonna like it if ol' Screed does the big deed..." "And how is Nicky the Dicky going to find out?" Natalie asked, circling his mouth with her finger. "I'm not going to tell him, are ?" Before Screed could reply, Natalie had her mouth around his. He could feel her probing his mouth with her tongue, teasing the tips of his descending fangs. Her saliva tasted of champagne. She moved her body back and forth, up and down, his stiffening dick rubbing against her body. Spinning around, he broke free and started to back away, knowing he was about to lose control. "Been a right good visitation, it 'as. Ol' Screed's gotta be moving on, maybe right up to Alaska or Antie-arctic-ca or somewhere far, far away. Gonna get me tom-toms out o' Toronto 'for the shit really 'its the oscillating unit." Feeling behind him with one hand, he backed out of the laundry room into the living area. Just as he was about to turn and run, Natalie leaped. He caught her, the woman's legs wrapping around his waist, her arms around his neck. Nat licked his bald head, down the side of his face, pausing to probe his ear before tracing circles on the most sensitive part of his neck. Screed sank to his knees, taking Natalie with him. Nick would kill him. LaCroix would dismember him limb by limb. Urs would refuse to talk to him. Vachon would disown him... Natalie began to nibble gently and none of the ramifications seemed to matter any more. He went flat to the floor on his back as the woman maneuvered herself to straddle his nether region, peeling the robe off him at the same time. His dick, now throbbing to the point of pleasure-filled pain, slid into her. Her moisture enveloped his cold manhood with warmth. Screed dug his finger nails into the carpet, squirming as he held back the climax, wanting the sensations to last for eternity. "Riding the rat boy!" Natalie cried, pouncing up and down. "Whoa, whoa, whoa....YYEEESSSS!" The woman suddenly flipped over, taking the now helplessly overwhelmed Screed with her. "Ride me, thrill me, make me squeal!" A male vampire of a higher breed would've taken Nat then and there, most likely draining her before he could get a proper fuck. Screed, though liking a bit of wench juice now and then, was able to hold off the urge to bite. His chest pressed against her firm, hard breast as he plunged his staff into her. He thrust. He rammed. He drove his dick into her again and again. The woman moaned each time, her finger nails digging into his back. "God, you're good!" Nat screamed. "Ooooo, baby! Keep it up, baby, keep... it ...up!" "Ain't plannin' on nothin' but, Baby Cakes," Screed whispered hoarsely in her ear. "Screed the Long Lastin', that's me! Just keeps goin' and goin' and goin'!" He nuzzled his nose in her hair, following the scent of her veins to her neck. Burying his face even deeper into the curls, he found the right spot and begin savoring the flavor of her flesh and the promise of the blood beneath. He brushed her skin with his long fangs as he continued pounding into her. Her body jerked and arched as she squealed with the first wave of orgasm. Screed held his own climax at bay, not wanting the ever increasing sensation of arousal to leave. He'd never experienced anything like her womanhood spasming skillfully around his dick, the smell of her blood, and the warmth of her fast paced breath. Finally, he could contain himself no longer. A deep roar escaped from his chest as he brought his head up. His fangs dropped to their full, long length. His senses whirled with bright colors, heat and fireworks as his staff spasmed with release. His head begin the descent to her neck. "Oh, oh Goooooooooood!" Natalie cried forcefully. "Nick could learn a few things from you! Do you give lessons?" Nick. Screed had almost forgotten he was with Nick's mortal lady friend. If he followed through with his instincts, his eternal life would be cut short. Painfully short. He stopped the motion of his head but his semen was still spilling into the woman. Needing to bite something before he was forced to drain Natalie, he jerked forward, causing the last of his seed to squirt onto her belly. He lunged for the overstuffed chair, sinking his fangs deep within the material. He could feel Natalie mouthing one of his nipples as his own teeth ripped the chair covering. Screed disentangling himself from both the furniture and Natalie. He tried to scurry away on all fours, spitting pieces of chair stuffing from his mouth. Before he could kick in his vampiric speed, he felt Nat's grip around his ankle. Twisting, he reached out and grabbed her wrist. "Listen, 'ere, Missy Doctor Lady, ain't got nothin' against havin' a romp now and again, but ol' Screed is just a carouche, a rat boy supreme," he explained. "Them other vampy types, they kin eat me alive. Nicky, 'e might be a bit strange in the noggin', but 'e's also a right powerful sort. If 'e came back and found ya emptied, 'e'd be chasin' me worse than that Inca was after the V- man. I plan ta keep me privates. Eternity wouldn't be right fun without 'em, know wot I mean?" "Ahhhhh," Natalie whined. "Nick won't give me any." "'Your problemo, not mine, ay?!" Screed scrambled to his feet and, using vampiric speed, grabbed his clothing from the dryer before flying out the door. ********************** "Nick? Nick?" "LaCroix, it's still daylight!" Nick murmured. "Let me sleep a little longer." "LaCroix? I know I look bad, but you don't have to insult me." "Huh?" Nick opened his eyes, then sat up. Natalie was dressed in a too large t-shirt and sweat pants. Her hair was a mess. There were dark circles under eyes. "Oh, sorry. I was dreaming." "What happened last night?" There was no way Nick was about to tell her the truth. He'd met Screed in the hallway. The carouche, wearing nothing but a pair of bunny slippers, had been rambling hysterically about being raped. The lower vampire seemed convinced Nick was going to kill him. The thought did pass Nick's mind, but instead he just threw Screed down the stairwell. That had merely been for good measure, a warning for the carouche to stay away from Natalie in the future. As much as Nick would like to, he couldn't blame Screed for what obviously had happened. "Ah, you were a bit...tipsy," Nick explained. "I thought I should stay with you in case you got sick." "But my dress and sheets were soaking wet and I can't find my bunny slippers any where." "I'll get you another pair," Nick promised earnestly. "Oh, my God!" Nat cried when she spotted the chair. "What happened! That's brand new!" "Must've been... Sidney, that's it. I caught him sharpening his claws." "Nick, Sidney's been declawed!" Nat said. "Oh...uhr... do you want some coffee or something?" Nick asked quickly. "Not right now. I want to take a shower first. Had the strangest dream," Nat laughed, then rubbed her forehead. "What a headache! Anyway, you're not going to believe this but I dreamt I was having sex with that carouche - Screed's his name, isn't it?" "Yeah." "Funny thing is, he was ! His penis was, well, impossibly huge!" she exclaimed. "Must've have been the champagne. Remind me next time to stay away from it." "No problem," Nick sighed. Nat gave him a chaste kiss on the check before heading for the shower. "Screed, can you imagine?" END NOTE: Screed's song consists of stanzas and chorus variations of several different versions of "The Bastard King of England."