SCREED DOES HIS UNNAMED DUTY
as told to Libby Singleton

NOTE: Permission to archive to the bad UF fic site, screedwashere.com, 
and to 
JADFE. All others, please asked. I have translated some of Screed's 
speech 
just to make it a bit easier to read. He was miffed about that, but 
will get 
over it sooner or later. He beta read it - but considering he can't 
read very 
well, ignore the mistakes.

    Ol' Screed didna plan on doin' any butt thumping. Not that Oi mind, 
been 
known ta like a taste o' the Spanish flavor now an' again.  But this 
night, 
Oi'd hid meself h'in the Raven after hours wot ta feast on the 
squealers who 
take the daytime ta do a bit o' cleaning.  Ya know, o' the stray crumb, 
whiskey, an' drop of blood vo-right-as-tea. Got a nice flavour ta them, 
they 
do. Tha's ‘ow Oi ‘appened to over-eared a bit of a spat between the 
two 
up-n-mighty vampy types. (Well, one wuz up, the other... jest keep 
puttin' 
yar peeper on this verbage.) Goin' h'at it, they were, an' na in a 
sexy-riled 
way. LaCrow tryin' ta shame ‘is boy, the de-fect-a-tive Knight-light 
whinin' 
an' angsting. "You will do it, Nicholas." "No, LaCroix, not tonight... 
not 
ever again!"

    The door leadin' ta Ol' Power-drill's privy chambers swung h'open, 
n' Oi 
dropped behind a chair, losin' me din-din. Yep, the plump ratsie 
slipped 
roight h'out o' me ‘ands loik a winkie greased wit' KY.  Oi peered 
h'up ta 
see LaCrow wit' all ‘is hardened glory standin' in the open doorway.  
Nickers-in-a-wad wuz h'also doin' the full monty, in a rather 
flaccid-passive 
style.  "You'll get nothing more from me, LaCroix," he growled.

    "You failure to perform is your own fault, Nicholas," 
La-La-Crow-A-Lot 
said, posing so that h'all ‘is glory stuck h'out h'as dangerously 
lookin' 
than a wooden stake an' more delicious- lickin'-ly than the juiciest o' 
rodents.  "If you'd follow your true nature and take in a reasonable 
amount 
of HUMAN blood, this embarrassment would never occur. Come back to me 
and I 
will continue your training."

    "There's no need to ridicule and torture me, LaCroix!" Limpy-Dicky 
Nick 
snapped.  "This happens to everyone sometimes.  Mortal or vampire."

    "Really?  I have never experienced it.  I am much too old and 
powerful to 
ever be
impotent."  Tha's when Oi made me missy-stake an' snorted a laugh.  
LaCrotch 
‘eard an' peered h'in me direction, raisin' an eyebrow.  Ol' Screed 
thought 
‘e wuz a goner, h'instead I wuz soon ta be a cum-er h'as Ol' 
Lawnmowedhaired 
flew o'er, knocking the chair aside.  "Perhaps you need some 
encouragement, 
Nicholas.  Ancient Roman armies traveled with animals whose soul 
purpose was 
to ... service the men during breaks in battle.  Here is a creature who 
has 
dared to invade my territory, so no doubt he will be willing to pay in 
exchange for both his heads remaining attached to his body."

    "Good city-zen, Screed, alwayz ready ta cum ta the rescure, eh?  
Bottoms 
up," Oi said, droppin' me trousers.  "Be careful wot na ta stain me 
drawers 
inny further.  Cross-stitchied the Forever Knight logo meself."  The 
ol' 
Genny-riled dinna seem very impressed by me plea.  He pushed me down on 
me 
all-fours, then forced himself inta me. Na tha' Oi'm complainin'.  
Nope.  No 
way.  Could teach the V-man a thingee or three ‘bout power when 
poundin' the 
prostrate.  Suddenly came ta me tha' the reason this sort o' thingee 
wuz 
dubbed ‘unnamed' by some sorts wuz there jest h'ain't words glory-ass 
e-nuff 
ta put a nomiker h'on it.  "Cum on!" Oi cried.  "Cum on! Glide me, ride 
me, 
make me squeal!"  Tha's the sort o' balls-ta-butt action a droog 
h'ain't 
like-o-ly ta ferget.  Two thousand years o' ask-ta-spear-me-ass counts!

    H'as fer the object o' observation, ‘e glared on wit' ‘is jaw 
droppin 
lower n' lower, while ‘is private par-ti-cles were climbin' ‘igher 
an' 
tighter.  Now, the truth o' h'it is tha' Ol' Screed expected ta be 
pushed 
aside n' replaced by the son-o'-a-sire.  H'instead, ‘e dropped on 
‘is naked 
knees h'in front o' me face.  Fuckin' from one end o' things, an' 
llicking-a-Dick on the other... Only loif fer a man, bein' a vampire!

--end--